Judgement

There's a pack of Parliament Lights on the counter. The harsh streetlight coming through the blinds illuminates the beautiful blue packaging. I pick up the box and tenderly remove a friend. We sit on the balcony together in the moonlight and ever so gently my lungs are filled with peace. My eyes roll back into my head. This is what smoking cigarettes is all about. I am very happy.

The alarm goes off. I awake this morning and feel the guilt. As I walked into the kitchen, my back up emergency pack of smokey treats was missing from the counter. Did I smoke the whole pack? No...my partner smoked them on Monday. MONDAY; I didn't cheat at all. It was a dream. I was smoking in my dream - virtual cheating that was so good I thought I really did it. I am not a failure and no wretched self-judgement is necessary today!!!

I made it another day. I'm now at about 94 hours! My Mom will enjoy having a two week smoke free son if I can make it to Mother's Day. I still haven't told anyone yet except my temporary trainer who has no vested interest in my life. My regular trainer was off today. Kinda disturbing that my partner hasn't even noticed I am not smoking considering the depth and consistency of our communication and attention to each other.