O'beastity

Yes, I spelled that correctly. Due to a variety of unfortunate situations excuses, such as several broken ribs in June and a lingering three month fight with Sciatica, I have been very inactive over the past six months. Yes, I still run a little; my leg and foot goes numb. Yes, I still go to the occasional class with Judy; I literally can't stand up after an hour of working out. Before the ribs, I was running and/or working out 5 days a week, in possibly the best health of my life, and I felt great. Today I can't walk five blocks without brutal Sciatica nerve pain.

My body has failed me this year and I haven't been able to push through.  A failing fitness regiment led to unhealthy eating and MORE smoking; I even started regularly smoking in the morning over the holidays. Today, the scale greeted me with a frightening number that I've never seen before; 249. This is officially the heaviest I've ever been. In light of my overall health, I still fit smaller clothes than seven years ago, but if I hit 250...what will happen? Perhaps I should smoke constantly and eat nothing?

At the end of the day, I look like a bear. I feel like a bear. I don't want to be a bear. I don't want to be a beast. Will I get even fatter if I successfully quit smoking? I crave food anyway; without the nicotine will I be strong enough? While he's smoking hot, I don't want to end up in a position where Bob's help is the only way back. I will not end up a beast.

Excuses

Excuses are monuments of nothingness,
They build bridges to nowhere,
Those of us who us these tools of incompetence,
Seldom become anything but nothing at all.   (unknown)

There's always some excuse to quit smoking later. I have smoking friends from MA coming this weekend. Next weekend is a holiday; we'll be out with smoking friends. We go on vacation at the end of the month with smoking friends. We're called the Chimneys...while it wasn't originally a reference to smoking, it certainly applies with so many of us paralyzed by nicotine's grip.

I frequently associate excuses with an old church song from the late 70's or early 80's. They used to make us sing it in Bible School. A quick interweb search looks like The Kingsmen Quartet published it at one time but I'm not sure if it was their original work? While I'm not the least bit churchy, it's interesting that many of the "Devil's excuses" to stay away from church loosely relate to excuses to keep smoking:

Excuses, excuses, you'll hear them every day.
And the Devil he'll supply them, if the church you stay away.
When people come to know the Lord, the Devil always loses
So to keep them folks away from church, he offers them excuses.


In the summer it's too hot. And, in the winter, it's too cold.
In the spring time when the weather's just right, you find some place else to go.
Well, it's up to the mountains or down to the beach or to visit some old friend.
Or, to just stay home and kinda relax and hope that some of the kin folks will start dropping in.


Well, the church benches are too hard. And, that choir sings way too loud.
Boy, you know how nervous you get when you're sitting in a great big crowd.
The doctor told you, "Now, you better watch them crowds. They'll set you back."
But, you go to that old ball game because you say "it helps you to relax."


Well, a headache Sunday morning and a backache Sunday night.
But by worktime Monday morning, you're feeling quite alright.
While one of the children has a cold, "Pneumonia, do you suppose?"
Why the whole family had to stay home, just to blow that poor kid's nose.


Excuses, excuses, you'll hear them every day.
And the Devil he'll supply them if the church you stay away.
When people come to know the Lord, the Devil always loses
So to keep them folks away from church, he offers them excuses.


Well, the preacher he's too young. And, maybe he's too old.
The sermons they're not hard enough. And, maybe they're too bold.
His voice is much too quiet-like. Sometimes he gets too loud.
He needs to have more dignity. Or, else he's way too proud.


Well, the sermons they're too long. And, maybe they're too short.
He ought to preach the word with dignity instead of "stomp and snort."
Well, that preacher we've got must be "the world's most stuck up man."
Well, one of the lady's told me the other day, "Well, he didn't even shake my hand."


Excuses, excuses, you'll hear them every day.
And the Devil he'll supply them if the church you stay away.
When people come to know the Lord, the Devil always loses
So to keep them folks away from church, he offers them excuses.
So to keep them folks away from church, he offers them excuses. 

Regardless, I'm tired of using these tools of incompetence to drive my behavior. I must be strong. I must desire to quit and actually do it. I have no choice but to succeed; the alternative of a short life and painful death is just too gruesome.

Support System?

Do you tell the entire world you want to quit? Will they offer support or will their own complacency with smoking or weakness make it worse? Will the pressure of public failure help achieve the goal?

Do you make it a private endeavor? The last time I quit for over a week before my boyfriend even noticed. That gave me willpower to do it on my own because nobody else even gives a damn about anything. I think I lasted over five months that time.

I am ready to forever quit. I will prematurely die of cancer, a heart attack, or stroke if I don't make a healthy choice now. It's in my genes. If I fail please display the body in a black suit with a black tie and a black shirt. Put a sign in the coffin that says, "smoking kills." My failure to be a good example to my daughter in life might leave a lasting impression in death so she never smokes. Let my ashes be a reminder.

I hate smoking

One of my early blog topics was smoking. Needless to say, many years later, I'm still dependent on the nicotine and passively committing suicide one stick at a time.

I hate smoking. I hate the way it smells. I hate the way I feel weak as if I have no self control. I hate how much it costs. I hate how it ruins my body and slows me down.

I'm thinking about quitting again. I wonder if I will be successful or if I'll succumb to cancer like others in my family who didn't have the willpower to quit or who quit too late in life to prevent an untimely death.

I don't want to die but feel it killing me. I hate smoking.

I'm not ready!

It was a shopping catch up day for us. I'm not surprised, and I do understand, but I'm just not ready for Holiday decorations.  At least Macy's is subtle for now.

We started at Pentagon City Mall; had to leave DC for shoes.  Did you know DSW will reissue expired reward certificates if you call the 800 number?  We went in search of The Body Shop for skin care products and accidentally walked into Bath & Body Works.  Why can't I remember which products are where?  Shopping ended at Forever 21 where I stocked up on more age inappropriate clothing.  I know...at least I'm not wearing Affliction or Ed Hardy...

The shopping day ended at our own Cohi Target where a full selection of groceries is now available.  Convenient, perhaps, but I'm fairly certain we'll stick to Harris Teeter unless we happen to need a few food items when we're on a Target run.  It's kind of like full service light.

Congrats to DC Special Friend, Sister Disco, Tasty T, Eddie, and few other friends who finished the Army Ten-Miler this AM.  Despite being registered, my Summer fitness routine, or lack thereof, left me grossly unprepared to run the 10 miles.  Mid-Atlantic Warrior Dash nearly killed me and that was only three.  The objective is to stop smoking again (I made it 8 mos. the last time) and get my mileage on.

Now it's time for a mini Sunday Funday.  Where are my peeps?  Oh...I'll just go check the Twitter!

Morning Kids!

I haven't written an actual blog post in some time.  Looks like 2010 is going to be a great year!  Here it is January and we are hosting our third weekend of house guests to DC.  Welcome Erin & Holly from CMH!  We kicked off the weekend with Timmy's famous enchiladas, some booze at Polly's cafe, and the obligatory tourist visit to Adams Morgan where the girls sang their hearts out at Karaoke.  Fun Times!

The calendar is filling up quickly and I'm very excited about it.  This is exactly why we live where we live and how we live.  I wonder if people will still come if we settle down to the mid-century home of our dreams? Will it happen this year?  Let's just pray we don't end up too far out in the burbs where social lives can go to die.  Surely we wouldn't let that happen?  Regardless, that's a hint...if you live far away and like the convenience of our U Street location for a getaway, this might be the last year to do it.  Our guest room is always open!

So enough about me, now about me; I celebrated yesterday.  January 28 marked the official five month anniversary since I quit smoking.  This is significant because that's where I gave up in 2008.  Honestly, that time around, I was smoking on the weekends in month four, but I always say I quit smoking one time for 5 months...now I really did.  This time it is somehow different.  Over the five month period, I've allowed myself the occasional hit of someone else's cigarette every few weeks and it's routinely disgusting to me.  This is exactly how I want it to feel.  I fell off the wagon one night at about month three and chain smoked three cigarettes.  This was an excellent alternative to jumping in front of the 14th Street bus, which is what I really wanted to do that night.  I announced to the world that I failed, borrowed a fist fool of cigarettes, and smoked 'em up.  I fully expected to be a smoker the next morning, but when I woke up that Saturday, I just didn't have any desire to smoke.  THANK JEEBUS!  Fortunately for all my smoking friends, I do love the second hand smoke so I don't have to be the bitter and judgy ex-smoker and I still get to take passive smoke breaks with my friends!  Mostly I just watch everyone's purses and cell phones while they leave me in the bar.  I'm really OK with this.  The next step is to stop taking the Chantix so I can sleep for more than 3 hours at a time and stop killing people in my dreams.  Fun.

Some of us are reliving our youth as we cling to the images of DC's Real World on MTV.  It's so strange that we have friends as old as the series and most of them just don't get the fascination with the show.  Yes, I stalked them during filming.  Yes, I follow their every tweet.  Yes, I was at Nellies for the episode 1 viewing party.  Yes, Yes, Yes.  I'll admit to it all and I'll be sure to tell the world if a piece of the back of my t-shirt makes it on the air.  I'm too old and un-pretty to have been asked to sign a waiver so my face certainly won't air, but there's that little tiny chance that I'll get my .5 seconds of fame on the Real World.  Stay tuned.  If you can't bear to watch, at least read the Georgetown University Blog where they rank the cast members.  My beloved gaybie, Michael, didn't get much air time this week, but the blog will show you just how adolescent the show is.  It's deliciously horrible!

There are some new additions to the world.  Baby Lisa is having another baby in 2010.  Now, it isn't what you're thinking; Baby B isn't getting a brother.  She started a blog to document how she is Surviving the Simple Life!  With just a few posts in, I can tell it will be a must read and have already added it to my Google Reader.  I hope she has some Google Analytics linked up to that thing so she can see how many hits she gets.  Her tagline sums it up perfectly, "30 something teacher, wife and new mother continues to adjust to a life she never pictured for herself. She trades her vision of a city lifestyle for life on the farm with her husband."  Oh, and Sister Disco got a baby of her own, a dog named Zulu, after moving in with the boys.  How they live with all those pets and a Vergie up in that trailer is beyond me.  They must go through a handle of Jack every day! Finally, Jay over at Kill the Goat is blogging again!  You must check out how she follows the doctor's most recent medical advice!

I better bounce off here and get my arse to work.  I got up early with the intention of working early and here I sit writing.  I gots kids in my trailer that want to experience H Street tonight!  There's a new mid-century themed bar, Toyland, having a soft opening this weekend.  I got to check it out before it becomes popular with the bridge and tunnel types.

While my blog is so frequently silent these days, I do keep an online presence.  If you're interested, follow JasonDC on Twitter where I spew the random nothingness that is my life.  Happy Friday Kids!

Past, Present, & Future

Past

Today I am Remembering E-Ball. I miss her terribly. I thought last year on this day that I felt this way because it was the first year. The second anniversary is just as painful and not a solid moment of sleep all night thinking about her. Let's all remember to love each other and show it every day because we don't know what the next day holds. RIP Erica Ball.

Today was also Timmy's Dad's Birthday; it may be a tough memory filled day for him too.

Present

Now that the past is out of the way, I thank Bosox Siobhan and Blood Killer Death Man for supplying perhaps the very happiest memories to balance out this day. They are amazing friends and I love them both very much. Today they will become Mr. & Mrs. and I am thrilled! What a wedding day: Seven Eight Nine!

In my crazy night of sleeplessness, I actually dreamt I was there and the JP was counting ballots because the people of Salem had taken a vote to approve their marriage. She gave up after going through a stack of unanimous yes votes and switched to a verbal vote asking for the Yay's and the Nay's - thankfully there were two of us there to vote and we screamed out, "YAY." The Yays had it and you were married. Odd - I know. Cheers to you both and many more years of happiness!

Future

While I'm certainly wishing the Boston Steamers a happy future, I am taking a very public step with my own. I did it last year for five months and it is time to do it permanently. I became a non-smoker this morning. There, I said it out loud. I quit. While I've tried the pills, the potions, the rationing, and every other method, I think willpower and determination are what allowed me to be successful for five months last year. I have willpower and will use Twitter as my crutch. If you follow me, now might be a good time to turn off mobile alerts as I plan to tweet in lieu of toking the Parliament Lights.

Oops

I bought my first pack of smokey treats in over 5 months but i will not bring this habit home.

Safe Travels

My dear friend, Toya, packed up and headed out for a quick stop in Oregon and then off to Central & South America till December. I'd love to be such a globe trotter, but I'd like to have someone carry some of my things. Surprisingly, her gear is much lighter and more comfortable than it looks. Safe travels friend! Your room is ready when you return.

On a separate note, you'll never guess what color cast I went with! It isn't pink like Whitney wanted...I chose my favorite color and upgraded to waterproof so I can swim in the river this weekend!

On another separate note, I quit smoking on May 27 so this is officially 3 calendar months today! I stopped counting long ago, but it is also 92 days. Didn't think I'd make it.

Who's Counting?

I was counting my successful non-smoking days one at a time. Over the weekend, someone asked me how long ago I quit smoking and I couldn't remember the number of days without some calculation. I think this is a really good thing because I must not be focusing on it every day. I do, however, still want a cigarette every day. Hopefully I quit in time for my lungs to return to the look on the left. At the Cincinnati Bodies exhibit on Saturday, they had several depictions of sick and cancerous lungs. I really don't think that would be a good look for my insides; perhaps this is the ultimate form of interior remodeling?

Today marks EIGHT (8) WEEKS without a single cigarette!

On a separate medical note, Tim's Dad is still loopy and not making alot of sense. He remains stable.

43 (forty three)

Number of days without a cigarette! Will someone tell me when it gets easier? I am back to smoking dreams every night and stomach pains every morning, but I'm afraid to abandon Chantix for physical comfort

My New Drug

Birthday Month Day 18
Smoke Free Day 22

Friends - I still owe a final summary of the last days in Boston as I wasn't a very effective mobile blogger on Monday or Tuesday. I will do that soon, but it is time to go public with my new drug.

I started Chantix approximately a month ago in hopes of quitting smoking before the dreaded thirty fifth birthday. Unlike my previous failed attempts, documented on the blog, I kept this one private. I wanted to make sure I could A) actually get through the birthday and B) make it through vacation without cheating. I am proud to say I have accomplished both with the assistance of my new drug.

Today starts the fourth week of non-smoking. I have successfully completed 21 smoke free days. After 30, I will consider myself a non-smoker, but I have many more weeks of wicked dreams and upset stomachs on these Chantix pills to keep me smoke free. It sucks, but it will be worth it.

Happy Holidays

Wow - Haven't posted in five months! I am getting ready to stop smoking again and this was quite therapeutic to write on here (to nobody) about it the last time. I figured it would be a great idea to start it back up! I've gotten serious about the tattoo, which coincidentally appears to be the last thing I blogged about. I would like to quit smoking on January 2, to coincide with the DC smoking ban. I am fairly decided that a tattoo would be a great way to commemorate this event and would give me something concrete to focus on. I settled on an artist through a recommendation from my military friend. I met with his guy, Tony, at Jinxproof in Georgetown. He seems really cool and understands what I want. It will be much in the style of my favorite tattoo artist, Stevie Moon, but Tony definitely has his own take on things. I need to schedule a two hour freehand drawing session on half of my back and then he'll make a template to mirror image it. The whole process will take several weeks and numerous visits of 2-4 hours to fill it in. I realize this is quite an ambitious undertaking, but again - will give me something to focus on and is definitely better than smoking! The tattoo could save my life! Of course the BF still says I should go for laser hair removal first. I barely have much to shave - I think I'll bypass the hair removal.

So here's a catch up since the last post.

1. Still Smoking (obviously as mentioned above)
2. Got a stress fracture in the hip - despite my doctor's specific demand to not even travel, I went to VA Beach over Labor Day weekend and collapsed in horrific pain after walking (yes walking) the first mile.
3. The 'surprise' was fantastic, but I ended up traveling for several weeks in a row before the vacation so I ended up revealing the secret about a month in advance. We had an amazing time in Greece. Made many new friends from all over the world! While I didn't live blog from Europe, I did go back and convert my written journal to vacation posts on here.
4. The promotion...nice story there...my boss left and it was never processed. The new director thought it was put in place so I missed it in the fall promo-equity cycle too. Rumor has it I'm actually being recommended for it with the next cycle in a few months - I'm over it.
5. Work is great - growing substantially and getting more responsibility. This means regular trips to NC which I am not looking forward to.
6. Christmas was amazing - spent time in OH & PA with friends and family. Five locations, four nights, fun times!
7. Mom is doing well...still seems depressed since her stroke.
8. Planning the next vacation in March! Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica, here we come!
9. Got a new car. The damn mini-hoo haa was in the shop 10 times in 11 months. Went with a little CUV - much better for the road trips and grocery getting. Still take the train to work though!

Funny how I can summarize five months in 9 short lines.

Kick Off

Saw a dude on the metro with a John Deere shirt that said, "Been there, cut that." Not overly insightful or side splitting, but it made me smile.

This whole marathon thing is a bit crazy. I'm not sure why I signed up. The meeting today was supposed to be brief. They handed me a four hour agenda. Sign of things to come? Training starts Monday and fortunately works nicely with my current physical health routine. Perhaps I'll be beautiful some day. Pretty shallow to train for a charity marathon in the endless search for the 22 year old body. It will limit my choices...force me into a certain behavior ( My four month religion?) Probably a good time to stop smoking.

Did you know the President names the metro stops and they change every four or eight years? Tourists - they plague me.