O'beastity

Yes, I spelled that correctly. Due to a variety of unfortunate situations excuses, such as several broken ribs in June and a lingering three month fight with Sciatica, I have been very inactive over the past six months. Yes, I still run a little; my leg and foot goes numb. Yes, I still go to the occasional class with Judy; I literally can't stand up after an hour of working out. Before the ribs, I was running and/or working out 5 days a week, in possibly the best health of my life, and I felt great. Today I can't walk five blocks without brutal Sciatica nerve pain.

My body has failed me this year and I haven't been able to push through.  A failing fitness regiment led to unhealthy eating and MORE smoking; I even started regularly smoking in the morning over the holidays. Today, the scale greeted me with a frightening number that I've never seen before; 249. This is officially the heaviest I've ever been. In light of my overall health, I still fit smaller clothes than seven years ago, but if I hit 250...what will happen? Perhaps I should smoke constantly and eat nothing?

At the end of the day, I look like a bear. I feel like a bear. I don't want to be a bear. I don't want to be a beast. Will I get even fatter if I successfully quit smoking? I crave food anyway; without the nicotine will I be strong enough? While he's smoking hot, I don't want to end up in a position where Bob's help is the only way back. I will not end up a beast.