31 Days 5 hours

Well...It is the end of May. I've been a non-smoker for 31 days and 5 hours. Yes, I have cheated. Four times I've cheated. Twice I had a few smokes and the other two times I nearly smoked a pack. Very bad and yet very good.

Today was hectic as I had my teeth cleaned at 7 AM and was at work for 10 hours non-stop after that. Although I have the gym in the AM, I think I'm going to break my Thu/Sat rule and go have a cocktail. The BF was a drunkazz last night and came home (I presume) in the middle of the night after blowing money on a user friend. I don't approve, but can certainly choose to spend some money on myself tonight.

I'm still thinking about my wild thing - What the H is wrong with me?

Memorial Day Weekend

A whole holiday weekend and no post other than the marathon update! I was busy and it was a great weekend. We decided to stay in the city instead of venturing back to see the family or joining the throngs of people headed to the shore. It was nice to be in the quiet city and fortunately lots of our friends made the same decision.

Saturday afternoon started with a late brunch and then a power rock star bar crawl that even included 'liquid ladies night' with a new friend we met from GA at Phase. Wild madness that fortunately ended with a good night's sleep.

Sunday we had a terrific bbq at Michael and Catrina's. So many of our friends showed up. It was nice to see Wild Thing #1, but I was very disappointed with myself for being so jealous of his BF. I don't understand how I let him get so far under my skin and why I can't get him out. I don't want him there and haven't seen him in many months.

Yesterday was a casual day with Tiff looking at neighborhoods. We jumped down to Old Town Alexandria since she had never seen it before. I had forgotten how much of a place it was for rich white people. The age and diversity of the buildings is amazing, but it is the only thing diverse about that area. I so hope she selects the District when her move day comes.

I've been to the gym early and at work for nearly 2 hours already. Time to get back to it!

Training Week 4

Here we are! Erin, Tara, Me, Meg, & Alicyn. Not sure if I'm spelling their names right, but we're ready to take on the world. Our pace group is actually much larger, but I imagine alot of people are out for the holiday weekend. We did 4 miles using a 5/1 ratio in 45:21. We didn't have a pace group leader so I was made one as default since I had the sporty interval watch.

Looking forward to this as these girls are fun!

1 smoke

Bad yes, but better than 2 packs....i snagged a cig and smoked half of it. Felt nice and I don't think it is nearly as bad as being the chain smoker I was for 13 years. I'm good till Sun when I'll cheat again.

Mom lost her job today as expected, but they are keeping her through the end of July when her vacation and sick days run out since she's never taken any is the 6 years she worked there.

Drama

Not Mine

This is Cat's cigarette. I feel weak...very very weak - It looks very tasty

Long Azz Day

14 hours in the office and ate in a lunch meeting. This, my friends, sux. The only nice part is that I just got on the train and have a hottie red head sitting directly in front of me. Nice.

Settled into the world of the i-Pod people...blending in...waiting for my stop.

S T R E S S

I just need to vent. My new boss has been in the office for two days. I love him, but it adds a great deal of stress when you are in constant meetings. I had visitors today from our operations site. I also love them, but they take up time too. In addition, a new training class went live and I have a manager in training at another site. I REALLY want a cigarette, but it is not the right thing to do. Funny thing is that I don't crave one deep inside, I just want one. It is different than before, but still there.

Hmmmm.

I was so tired last night after a long day that I missed my friend's birthday party. I did get up early enough to run for 18 minutes. Not long enough, but better than nothing. Tonight I'm going to crash because I have the gym in the AM at 6:15.

Ok...I've vented...now back to work. Although I have many tasks to do, I am certainly looking forward to the three day holiday weekend.

Monday Morning

I dislike Monday mornings. I stayed up till 11 to watch the Desperate Housewives season finale and subsequently didn't get up at 6:00 to run as I had hoped. I guess this will be a non-running morning since it is almost time to leave for work.

BTW...I have to admit that I had a few cigarettes on Saturday night while we were out celebrating . The day started in the afternoon with a few bottles of wine at the Greek Festival, went on to include dinner and some more drinks for Catrina's birthday, and ultimately ended near closing time at the Townhouse Tavern. Never a good story when it ends at the Townhouse, but I did learn that my favorite bartender, Colin, is moving to Boston. I'll have to go back on Tuesday for his farewell day. I felt no desire to smoke on Sunday and am confident I won't smoke this week. If it is true that the physical addiction breaks after two weeks, I might be able to lick this thing, despite two slips in the first three weeks.

Gotta get to work!

Catrina's Late B-Day dinner

We went out with Michael and Catrina to the Chi Cha Lounge for her belated birthday since she was out of town on the actual day. Friends are plentiful. Good friends who love unconditionally are hard to come by and we are blessed with these two. The pic I'm sure sucks because it is dark up in here at the Fab Lounge and no flash on my camera.

Training Week 3

I'm officially in a pace group. Unfortunately it isn't the pace group that I want to be in with the eye candy, but better to be with an appropriate group for the best training. I went the wrong way up Pennsylvania Ave instead of staying on the North side of the mall so I probably could have gotten into a slightly faster group since I went a few minutes out of the way and then backtracked instead of cheating. Ultimately I ran 3 miles in 30:28 which is just over 10 minutes per mile. I was doing better last fall before taking the exercise hiatus. I'm fine with the group I'm in. Hopefully there will be some nice people to get to know because it is pretty boring running alone. We were supposed to hang out and elect a Pace Group Leader, but I had to get the Mini out for service (yes that damn place didn't fix the A/C the last time.)

I'm trying to pull up a group of people to go to the St. Sophia Greek Festival today, but my friends all seem to be busy, working, or out of town. I might just go myself if nobody else wants to go. Surely someone will come out of the woodwork.

Time for a shower - been in these running clothes far too long.

Super Vespa Nerd

I rode to work today despite the rain and the cool temp. My friends made fun of my new face shield. I am being accused of now being a super nerd, geek, weirdo, freak...I'm not offended. As momma always said, "They are just jealous." If this random blog was promoted anywhere or if anyone actually read it I'd ask for the general consensus of the floor.

Ready for the weekend, but like always have a great deal to do. Saturday will be busy. I bought tickets for the big super secret surprise vacation. Haven't decided if I want to talk about that on here or not. It is quite unlikely that he will ever come across the blog, but ...

Later.

Moving Right Along

Another long day started at the gym at 6 AM and I've just walked in the door from work at 7:30 PM. There were some interesting power plays at work today. I anticipated as much with some movement in the managerial hierarchy. Nothing unusual.

I am now on 17th day as a non-smoker. Things are moving right along despite the aforementioned stumble. I'm proud that I'm still making it! It actually feels sorta strange. I need to start taking some walk breaks or something at work because powering through for 10+ hours without a breather (no pun intended) is going to wear me down. Perhaps I'll try that tomorrow.

No food in the house and I don't feel like cooking so I'm gonna go out, against my better judgment, and grab a bite to eat.

Change

Had a great weekend. Was a super fly rock star on Saturday and relaxed on Sunday.

It was announced this morning that my boss and his boss are transitioning to new roles. What a day of change!

Too tired to expand, but I am excited to go home and watch the two hour Grey's Anatomy season finale. This helps me to lose myself from reality if only for a moment.

So Dirty

So this looks much worse than it really was. She was a bar patron at my friend's place and she said I could take a pic with her for my blog. Yes, she was a little dirty, but it was all innocent. Now later when we picked up the Randster and went to another bar...they were dirty...no pics were taken and we survived SE.

Fun times had by all...

Everytime You Vote Republican...

OK - So this is funny funny funny. I thought of my friends Laura Joe and Catrina. I should so be cleaning the house instead of searching for the end of the interweb, but then I won't find stuff like this.

In case the link is changed...It is an ad for an infant's t-shirt that says, "Everytime You Vote Republican, God Kills a Kitten. Please...won't someone think of the kittens?" There is a precious picture of a big furry kitten on it. Too funny. Too Wrong.

Everytime You Vote Republican Infant T-Shirt > Every Time You Vote Republican... > the Angry Left | CafePress

Training Week 2

I intended to take a picture of all the peoples running, but I forgot. As I stood in the Metro at Waterfront-SEU, I decided that a picture of the inside of the station would at least prove I was there! Today's run was easy. We went two miles and I think I averaged about a 10 minute mile, but I also forgot to time myself exactly. I was doing easy 8 minute miles last fall so I certainly have some work to do. This week we did a random run. Next week we are timed to be placed in pace groups. I started with the first group and was at the head of the pack nearly the entire time. I was trying to keep up with Brian (later met him on the train) and this guy Ricky (his name according to Brian). They were a bit faster than I, but that's the kind of motivation I need to push myself. I really need to make some running buddy friends with them to keep my attitude in the right place. I don't think this is going to be difficult, but I do want to remain focused!

Other Random Stuff:
-Time to clean! Shanon M is coming to visit tonight. This will be her 5th or 6th trip to DC in the last year and a half that I've lived here. I do believe she wins the prize for most visits if there is a competition.
-The air went out again on the Mini - I am so over Mini of Sterling - I don't think they have a freakin' clue.
- The mini got a flat tire ... well it had a nail in it. Thank God for run-flat tires! I will never have regular tires again. It was only $22 to get it fixed.

Winners Circle

So I finally took the time to read the very basic directions and learn how to send picture messages from my phone to my blog. This one is from the winner's circle at the Gold Cup last Saturday!

Gotta go - Time to train for the marathon!

Stumbling vs Starting Over

This morning I didn't know whether to start counting back at day one or to keep going and mark it up as a stumble. I've decided to keep counting. Now I can say I've made it 12 days and I only stumbled once. That decision made it easier today to power through without jumping completely off the wagon. I am very frustrated and disappointed , but overall proud of the accomplishment I have made. Focus on the positive.

Ran into O-53 last night - was fun, but we wasted too much money playing Rock Stars!

I'm about to bust up out of the office. I rode in today so should be able to get home quickly! I need to get some rest because I have the marathon training run in the AM.

$6.00

That is what failure costs. I bought a pack out of a vending machine. I had a smokey treat. It is better than . . . Well you know.

I made it 11 days

Shopping

My work guests from last night had to stay over for more meetings. We had a nice dinner at a little Italian place at Pentagon Row. I took the opportunity to shop since I so rarely am outside the city and I was beside Pentagon City Mall. I have Steve Madden, Coach, Kenneth Cole, Adidas, and American Eagle in my bags....all in 45 mins...POWER SHOPPING. I really wanted to hit Express and a few other places, but the mall was packed with dreadful children.

Off for a cocktail since it is my Thirsty Thursday Drinky Day.

Still no smokey treats...being good!

Time Warp

So this is what happens when your PDA gets too full...The message from last night sent at around 10 PM (I Love Metro) was delivered this morning at 8:30 - My life is sometimes twisted so it is only fitting that my blog would be too.

I love Metro

I worked late and entertained work peope late, but I had ZERO wait time at my first stop and my connection! Rare for a post 9 PM commute.

Sleepy

Box Wine

Oh yeah...Forgot to mention last night. She ordered the White Zin...He kindly and ever so discretely recommended an alternate.

Rumor has it the White Zin may be making an appearance on the scene. Will have to research that one some more.

Off to the gym.

Vegas Baby

I was excited to hear about Randi Miller, the new 'voice of Metro,' but I had no idea she would be accompanied by such clatter. It is bearable, at first, but when some inconsiderate chick blocks the door for her slow walking friends to get off the escalator and the door bing bing bing bings like a Vegas slot machine, I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. Why must I listen to this madness on the way to work. The intention, I am sure, is to broadcast an annoying sound to stop people from blocking the door. It might occasionally deter a tourist (who is most likely afraid of the door anyway) but seasoned Metro door holding abusers know the noise is just that. The passive paper reading business commuters the only ones really affected.


It was nice to deposit the CarMax check this AM! Only a tinge of guilt for abandoning my baby Benz.

Bye Bye Benz

I went to pick up the Mini from service today and it had been hit in their parking lot. I'm driving a new BMW until they fix it. This is a very long and complicated story, starting at the last time when Mini of Sterling lost my car while it was in for 9 days for an indicator light. I'm not pleased with their service, but have no choice but to go to Sterling or Annapolis for service. With all the Mini's inside the District, why on earth has no dealership been established a little closer? We'll see how long it takes them to fix the damage ... probably not long since I am driving one of their cars!

While out in suburbia, I stopped by CarMax. They offered $4000 more for the Mercedes than I thought they would give so I sold it. I miss that thing already. Long story, but I had to go back with the title and am just now arriving home. This day started at 5 AM when I got up for the gym. I'm exhausted.

The Cowboy

I was watching the Logo channel yesterday. This is MTV's rendition of GLBT television. I met some of the original creators at a leadership conference a few years ago. I am pleasantly surprised how much I like the network. While they have limited content, much of it is great. There is an acceptable mix of classic gay camp and socially significant programming. Not to mention enough Subaru commercials to take over the world. My favorite are their short movies and the ability tob view the ones I like over and over on their website logoonline.com . I digress...So my point...they play videos between shows and yesterday they played Willie Nelson's new (from February) video of his song titled, "Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly (Fond of Each Other)". What a powerful song from the soul of country music. I immediately purchased it from i-Tunes and downloaded to my i-Pod.
It's quite funny to hear good ole Willie say"...when you talk to a cowboy don't treat him like he was a sister. You can't f**k with the lady that's sleeping in each cowboy's head."

And the funniest part is Burt Reynolds trying to get the flaming two-steppers to dance some more at the end of the video. Priceless. I feel like pulling out the big hat and boots and saddling up to the bar at Remington's to watch the cowboys dance. I wonder whatever happened to Cody after he quit working there.

So that whole Willie thing made me smile but the fact I have to wait 6 minutes for the Greenline does not amuse me. I must get home and to bed because I have the gym at 6:15 tomorrow. Was a long day at work.

I only wanted a smokey treat once today and sucessfully resisted! Working on my 9th day now. You think you rock? No, IROC. Smiles

Train is boarding.

Seven Days

This blog should be called how I quit smoking and saved my relationship??? Just wanted to post a quickie to announce the 7 day mark. In a few minutes I will have been smoke free for 7 (YES SEVEN) days and 5 hours. But who is counting.

The relationship part - we'll have to work on that one...

Bourgeois Bois

What a day Saturday was! I ended Cinco de Mayo with internal turmoil (as evidenced by Friday night's drama filled drunky post from the bar), awoke late on Saturday, but made it to Warrenton, VA to meet my friends for the Gold Cup. I was, of course, appropriately attired and bedazzled with my Tiffanys Bling and trendy gianormous sunglasses (which created an equally gianormous raccoon line from the sun). The races were delightful and if I can take a moment to figure it out, I might post a picture of the winning horse as it walked past me out of the paddock. The beauty of attending is the connection through one of my friends. His position allows him to share owner's passes with his friends and we get access to Member's Hill, the fancy-pants places, the rider's tent (complete with delicious treats & beverages) and we watch the finish line front and center along the fence. We freely walk in the paddock, along the pathway with the horses, and stand as close to the winner's circle as anyone can get without actually having the winning horse. It is quite fun and our friend's generosity is much appreciated. In addition, my surrogate Mother and Father come East to visit so it is very fun to see them as well. My friend who invites us, their biological son, is such a great guy. He generously opens his home for friends to come watch the Derby after the Gold Cup and then I zip back to the city. It is about an hour and a half drive without traffic. I should roll out their to see him more often. It would be a lovely Vespa ride on a weekend afternoon.

Had a few cocktails at the P-Rat last night when I got home then immediately crashed. I was exhausted after the long day. O-37 called...we didn't respond.

Why?

So I really want to smoke right now, but I have no tears so it must be better than last night. The song is playing....I gotta have faith....please please please don't go away....damn

Do I love him? YES.

Does he love me? NO.

He loves the very luxurious life pretending to love me provides and occasionally has sex with me because it is the 'right' thing to do.

Is there anyone who will love Me?

Long Days

This might have been the longest week in my entire life.  Every minute stretches to an hour, but somehow I'm not being very efficient in getting things accomplished with this extra time.  I've not fallen behind, but I'm certainly not winning any races either.  I have now made it five days and four+ hours with no smokey treats.  I'm very proud of myself - It assures me that I am the person that I want to be.  I am powerful.  I am confident.  I am strong.  I am in control.  (I am about to break into a Helen Reddy song).

Enough of that.

About two more hours of work to go and then we'll see if anyone interesting is on the Metro tonight.  I wanted to come in on the G-Ride, but it is supposed to rain and Hoo Haa is still in the shop getting her a/c fixed.  I still don't know if it was broken or if it ever worked since she joined the family last winter when cold air wasn't necessary.  Either way, warranty work is free so it doesn't bother me.  She's been done for days, but I haven't gone out to pick her up;  She's probably missing me, but can't be too out of place with all her sisters camping out at the dealership.  Regardless, I took the Metro like a good environmentally conscious commuter.  I think I saw the hot cop this morning too, but was in too much of a hurry to do a drive by to the other side of the platform.  That's so shallow…I'm powerful and shallow in the same post.  Go ahead…judge if you want to.

Happy Fake Five Day Holiday

I'm really impressed with the fact that I successfully was able to go bar hopping without smoking. I sat right next to my smokey friends and was tempted, but was strong. I also feel great this morning. No hacking heaving lungs resulting from a two-pack binge night. I almost think I could go running today, but it is my workout day off.

It is time to get ready for work. I love the fact that I get to sleep in every Friday. It sucks to close the office, but it pays for itself with the lazy Friday mornings.

Today marks the one year anniversary of the going away party for my friend DE. I miss her terribly even though she was not necessarily a close friend. I'll have to fire off an email to her today. It's easy to remember the anniversary because her party was interrupted with the crazy amateurs out for Cinco de Mayo. I really don't understand this holiday because I thought the Mexican independence day was in the fall? How is it in the fall, but this celebration day is in May. Maybe I'm just confusing what the day is for. I must Google that later today.

One more thing...I think he finally realized that I stopped smoking. Of course he didn't say anything to me or be supportive in any way. I overheard him telling my friend Dub that it was my 'second' day (ha) not smoking and that I'd fall off the wagon soon because I always have when I've tried to quit. Well F*** him. What makes it worse? She flat out lied about what he said. I made a joke about the fact he hasn't noticed and she swore up and down that he did mention it to her that I hadn't smoked since Sun. Frankly I don't ask for or need lies to make me feel better. I'm a full grown ass man and can handle the truth. In fact I would expect it from my friends, especially Dub. No sugar coating required. I'm probably just being too sensitive (or perhaps nicotine deprived) but it's my blog and I can say what I want to say.

Time for work!

So it wasn't easy

But I didn't smoke. I bought jumbo slice and gave 63 percent of it to a homeless person and am now at home....ready for bed. I did call the bird lady, but that's just funny.

Temptation

This is my first night out with the new lungs. I'm at a fab new space called Sky Bar chatting with the bar tender. Long story why I'm not with friends or at the going away party for my partner's co-worker. Bottom line is that I want a smoke so bad I have tears in my eyes right now thinking about it and don't really care about the potential drama in my life.

This sucks.

Judgement

There's a pack of Parliament Lights on the counter. The harsh streetlight coming through the blinds illuminates the beautiful blue packaging. I pick up the box and tenderly remove a friend. We sit on the balcony together in the moonlight and ever so gently my lungs are filled with peace. My eyes roll back into my head. This is what smoking cigarettes is all about. I am very happy.

The alarm goes off. I awake this morning and feel the guilt. As I walked into the kitchen, my back up emergency pack of smokey treats was missing from the counter. Did I smoke the whole pack? No...my partner smoked them on Monday. MONDAY; I didn't cheat at all. It was a dream. I was smoking in my dream - virtual cheating that was so good I thought I really did it. I am not a failure and no wretched self-judgement is necessary today!!!

I made it another day. I'm now at about 94 hours! My Mom will enjoy having a two week smoke free son if I can make it to Mother's Day. I still haven't told anyone yet except my temporary trainer who has no vested interest in my life. My regular trainer was off today. Kinda disturbing that my partner hasn't even noticed I am not smoking considering the depth and consistency of our communication and attention to each other.

75 Hours

I haven't had a smoke since about 2 PM on Sunday. I've made it nearly 75 hours. Should I allow myself one every three days? Sure would be great right now.

Today was rough around 10 this AM, but I had a few pretzels and a bunch of coffee and water. I ran 18 minutes this morning so I had that positive thing to focus on. Was so slammed at work this afternoon that I didn't have time to fret about it.

I left early to pick up the g-ride. It needed some adjustments and a fuel line. On the train now. No hot cops at the station today either. Hope I make it in time...

Just a few more stops.

Wild Thing #2

Not sure why I'm thinking about him today. Perhaps it is all the immigration debate in the media. Perhaps it is because I miss him. I'll never forget meeting him standing in the dimly lit smoking courtyard of that questionable dance club. A Brazilian Beauty so hot that I was intimidated to ask for a light. Mine had been confiscated on the plane and in my rush to the hotel and then to the club for a quick drink before last call, I had painfully gone without a cigarette for many hours. The pleasant rush of a cigarette on the mind and the pleasant flutter on my heart (well truthfully first a flutter in my pants) when he told me he'd been staring me down since I had walked in and instantly admitted his intimidation of my looks.

What a line, eh? I would agree if the encounter ended in some passionate crazy and brief encounter, but it didn't. Instead it ended in a weekend of intense conversation and childlike flirting. I haven't seen him or spoken to him since that weekend. A few periodic emails (the last a month ago today) are all I have.

He moved from the West Coast to Boston. I was there on business and was literally in the airport coming home when I got the email that he was there. I almost left the airport to run through the snow covered city to find him, but that would have been foolish. Besides, I'm happy in this current life.

I miss him. One tear.

The day drags on

I was anxious to see if my uniformed protector would be at the train station, but he's not.

It's been horrible trying to live without the cigarettes. Much worse than yesterday and the day seems so long.

Nobody cute or interesting to look at and worse yet, I've just missed both trains resulting in the longest possible commute home. If I get a long wait for the first, I always hope for a short wait at the next to average it out. No luck tonight.

5 more minutes till the train...

Withdrawal

I had one cigarette on Sunday and none yesterday.  I could not sleep last night and today…friend…my head.  I thought perhaps a pack of that stop smoking gum would work, but they don't sell it in individual packs - only in $50 kits.  I expected it to be expensive, but seriously - that much?  And of course it isn't shelved where one can read and evaluate the box.  It is locked up behind the counter.  The angry commuters at the CVS wouldn't be pleased if I waited in line to compare the non smoking gum.  Do I care - not really, but I don't have time for other people's drama.  It looked like there was a store brand that was cheaper, but again, behind the counter.  I tried this type of thing once on a long flight and it made me sick; not sure I want to make a $50 commitment when it may make me puke.

Eating a bag of pretzels.  $1.38.  I worked out hard with the trainer at 6:15 this AM and am starting the marathon training this week - hopefully that will help displace the symptoms of withdrawal and prevent me from becoming a giant cow.

Nobody knows I'm trying to quit.  At least not until my head spins off, falls to the ground, and eats the leather sole off my shoe.  Could happen.

People Watching

This is the true beauty of public transportation. The police officer on duty at L'enfant Plaza just now. Hot. Very Hot. I find it amuzing to stare them down when on the job. They can't really do anything about it and know my thoughts are impure. Uniforms...Yum.

I think I saw O-37's friend. Awkward.

A bearded woman sleeping. Odd.

A fat man in a tiny seat. Challenging.

The mindless i-Pod people. Common

(doors opening left side)

Monday

After a relatively wholesome week and a stay home Friday night, we turned into rock stars on Saturday night.  My random post from the bar reminds me that we were still going strong and acting up.  The phone call after last call from 0-37 turned into a bit of madness.  Fortunately Sunday was a relaxing sleepy lazy day and I was bright and refreshed for work today.

This was supposed to be day 1 for my training routine and I think I was supposed to run 30 mins this morning, but I chose to sleep instead.  I've also thought about not smoking today.  It is such a disgusting habit and expensive too.  I somehow don't think marathoning and smoking go together.  I'm now eating a bag of pretzels because my usual 10 AM first smoke of the day has passed and I'm psychologically (probably more than physically) freaking out.  I'll make it through at least one day.  I do have a brand new pack in my bag just in case.